What have I done
by WaveRider 53
Summary: Mai, Zuko and Azula, all talking themselves through different times in their life. stays with the story. just give more details to how they were thinking. it pretty interesting. and my favorite of my stories. R


What have I done

**What have I done?**

**Note: this might get confusing, (hopefully not :D) but just in case it about Zuko, Mai, and Azula all talking to various people (and objects) about the things they have done, to make there life the way it is. (They are not together, completely spread apart by time.)**

**Azula happens first, about a couple days after the beach. Then it's Zuko, after he's accepted to Anng's group. Next is Mai when in jail.**

"It not fair!" she can't help but to say the words aloud. She looks out her window at her brother walking with Mai. Her eyes close tight, hand crunched up in a fist. She starts to pace from her bed to the window. 'How can he? He, who has been banished, disgraced, gone for three years. Come back and have everything he wanted.' She walks to the window in time to see Zuko kiss Mai.

"uggh. After three years, she still comes back to him. It makes me sick." Azula looks in the mirror. Turns to the side and checks her body, "what's wrong with me? I'm a princess. I'm a fire bender prodigy, yet still people don't like me." Azula sighs and makes her way back to the window, both Zuko and Mai have gone out of view, so she walks to her dressing table and pull out a picture, half burned but the image of a beautiful young woman can still be seen.

"You were supposed to be there." She tells the picture. "You were supposed to listen and help. Guide me." The image starts to burn more so Azula sets it down on her bed, still looking into the woman's eyes. "But no. you hated me, thought of me as a monster. My own mother abandoned me, wouldn't listen to me. I never learned all things I was supposed to learn from you. I was never told 'I love you', not even from dad, I was never told how to attract a guy; not that that matters. But still, I never got to know you. I know you always liked him best, any one could see that. But you hated me. You couldn't stand seeing me. Was I that revolting to you?"

A single tear ran down Azula face but soon turned to steam. "ok," she tells the picture, "so I was a monster, and so what if I'm still tough and know what I want and how to get it."

She's walking back and forth, from her bed to the mirror, "But that's not the point. I worked so hard to get your attention, trained all the time, but no, all you ever cared about was your son; your weak little mama's boy, Zuzu. He didn't have to do anything! In fact he failed at everything, yet still you loved him best. But you couldn't love me. You couldn't love your only daughter."

Azula pick up the picture and placed it in the corner of her mirror comparing her face to the face of her mother's. "I didn't get anything from you." She whispered, her pain showing on her voice. "Never. Zuko got your eyes, your love, your affection. And I…? I got nothing."

She turned her back to the mirror. "But why am I telling you this? I don't need you. I have everything I ever wanted. I have power. I have control." The picture started to burn again, until it was nothing but ashes.

Azula turn and faced the mirror again, eyes glowing with hate. She found the small pile of ashes on the floor and gathered them in her hand. She went to the window, opened the glass and leaned out. She wanted to throw them out, with a blast of fire and hate but the sight of Zuko and Mai standing on a bridge over a pond of water, stopped her. Hatred burned inside of her but it soon fell to grief "I have everything." She whispered venomously, almost as if to convince herself. The ashes of her mother's picture were smothered in her fist hanging out the window. Azula watched Zuko and Mai, standing in each others arms. "I have everything, but love" she let the ashes drop from her hand and down the side of the building.

...

It was the middle of the night, but he couldn't sleep. He hasn't slept in days. He got up, careful not to make a sound. Softly he made his way to the building edge away from the group of sleeping people. A group of people he once tried to kill. Now, he shares meals with them, jokes, stories, chores, everything with them. Yet he's still not happy. "I thought" he says to himself. "I thought that if I came out here, to help the avatar I would feel better. A lot better." He breathes and looks at the moon. "But I don't."

"You know, talking to yourself is the first sign of insanity." A voice comes from the darkness behind him.

"Why did you follow me Toph?" he lets out a breath again, not bothering to turn around.

"Why did you follow us?" she asked back without hesitation.

"You guys aren't ever going to let me live that down, are you? I told you, I had a—"

"Complicated past, I know. But that not what I meant. Why did you follow us here? Now?" She walked over to him, but didn't sit down.

Zuko looked at the small blind girl. For a small girl she has a lot in her. "I felt I had—no, I wanted to help the avatar restore peace to the four nations."

"soo….? Why did you come?"

" I just told you!!" Zuko said harshly. "I mean I know your blind, but you aren't deaf."

She didn't say anything, just waited. "I'm sorry, Toph. I didn't mean it. Damn it. I can't do anything right."

Toph waited and few more second and then moved to sit next to him. "soo, why did you come?" she said slowly.

Frustrated Zuko took a deep breath. "I—I wanted to help."

"That's why I came, why I followed you. I wanted to help." She said simply.

Zuko looked at her again, trying to find some kind of smile, laugh, anything that would prove she was only making fun of him. Finding nothing he fixed his gaze to the horizon. A couple minutes of silence passed, only the sound of them breathing as one. "I think I hurt her" he said out loud, forgetting that Toph was next to him.

"Who?" Toph swung her feet back and forth over the cliff.

"This girl, back in the fire nation" he didn't know why he was suddenly telling this girl, a girl he once tried to kill, his deep feelings, he just was. "She's a daughter of a nobleman. She's quite, gloomy most of time. But she was my best friend. I love her."

Toph just sat back and let him talk.

"but I left her, to come here." Zuko said quietly.

"I know what you been though. Well, I mean, it's not the same. But I left everything I held dear too. But most of all I left my parents, without saying goodbye." She told him honestly.

Zuko looked at Toph who was still staring unseeingly at the horizon. "Well I did leave her a note. But that's not good enough. I should have told her in person. I should have explained why I was leaving. You see when I went back with my sister, I was treated like the son I never was. My dad wanted me. I was seen as a hero." The air was tense both unwilling to say that he was treated that way because they thought he killed the avatar. "I was with her; I was with Mai, all the time. Things were good. But I wasn't acting like me. They only time I was myself was around her."

He leaned back and placed a hand on Toph's back. She jumped a little but let him keep it there, hoping she was supplying some kind of comfort "I started thinking, started watching, remembering all the towns and places. Everyone was always fearful of anyone from the fire nation. You see, I grew up always being told that the war was our way of sharing our peace."

Toph started to laugh but covered it was a cough. But Zuko still caught it. "I know. It sounds crazy. But it was true. In the beginning, when I was hunting the avatar, that's how I saw it. We were doing you all a favor; you just didn't know it yet. My uncle, tried showing me the faults of the fire nation, but I wouldn't listen, I couldn't see beyond my goal of trying win my father's love." Zuko suddenly got the feeling he was talking to a girl who didn't care. He moved his hand from her shoulder. He felt like he was boring her. After a few minutes of silence Toph, placed her hand on his leg, getting his attention. "Are you going to finish?" she asked while removing her hand.

"oh. I figured I was boring you. You want to hear?"

"yes. But I don't get why you were hunting Anng?"

"well three years ago I was banished, I was told that if I wanted to come back, to restore my honor, father's love, or just my home back, I had to bring the Avatar, dead or alive; I believed it was my destiny. Like I said when I came back with the news of Anng, supposed death, I was hero. I could do anything. Most of the time I was with Mai; I loved it and for a while I though I was truly happy. But I realized that my victory was short lived. I didn't feel right. I wasn't happy. It wasn't until a few days before your guys attack, I realized what I fool I've been. I found my true destiny, it was to help you guys, defeat the fire nation and restore peace. Only I had to leave Mai. I couldn't drag her into treachery with me."

Toph wanted to say something sarcastic, something funny; anything to make him feel better, but she couldn't find the words.

"I'm sorry. I never knew. None of us did." She said honestly.

"Now I fear that she hates me. She has a good reason to, but I don't think I can live like that, loving a girl , who hates me." Zuko sighed, not feeling any better.

"You know. I'm not very good at this kind of thing. But I know friends have a funny way forgiving. They act mad." Toph thought back to when Katara was mad at her for scamming people out of their money. "Though truly, on the inside they were just hurt."

"but I didn't want to hurt her, I was trying to save her." He said, this talk was only making him feel worse.

"I know." Toph said exasperated. "and if this Mai girl, truly loves you the way you described. Then she'll understand. she'll just need some time to cool down."

Zuko looked at Toph again, who was looking back at him. Although he knew she couldn't see him some how he knew, that she knew she was looking at him. "Toph, thanks for your help and listening."

"yeah no problem." She got up and extended a hand to help him up. "Do you feel better?"

Zuko paused for a moment, "yeah" he lied. Toph stopped for a second, but then continued walking, she knew he was lying, but let it slip realizing that just talking to someone isn't a miracle fix; his wound would only be healed by Mai. When they got back to their beds, Zuko fell asleep easily. Toph stayed awake for minutes longer, thinking that at least she helped a little. This would be the first night he slept in three days.

...

It wasn't night. It couldn't be night yet, although it was dark. It wasn't just dark, it was empty. She felt venerable. The door to the side of her was shut. The eye hole covered. She had her back to the left wall and her other side was against the back of the cell. She had no way to tell how long she has been sitting here, but it felt like forever. Sleep was not a privilege she could have, not because the guards wouldn't let her, they couldn't care less. She couldn't sleep because every time she closed her eyes he was there. He infested her dreams. She saw his eyes when he left her in his cell with the guard, the look he had when she saved him. She pictured his every movement. How he held her at the beach, kissed her by the fountain. She imagined him writing that damned letter, followed him when he left it on her bed. He was all she could think about, and it killed her.

Her head hurt; it was only then she realized she was hitting her head on the wall behind her, slow and steady. This was torture. Closing her eyes she saw him, walking among what looked like an air temple. Out of the all hours she spent in this god forsaken cell she still couldn't understand why he left. Was the avatar really worth throwing away the life he fought for? The life it took him three long years to get. She wanted the war over just as much as he did, but she didn't want him throwing away everything for it. She didn't want him to throw her away with it. If only he would have told her, then she would have left with him. She started to hit her head on the wall again, this time harder.

"Ok, whoever is in that cell! STOP POUNDING ON THE WALL!! SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!!"

"Ty Lee?" Mai asked, not believing it. The guard couldn't have been that dumb.

"Mai? Oh Mai!! It's so dark and cold. I can feel my chi blocking from being in here so long."

"Ty." Mai said, not knowing how to express all she was feeling. "thanks." It was a simple word, and not worthy to be given to Ty Lee, but it was all she could say.

On the other side of the wall Ty Lee sat now facing the wall trying to see though it. When she heard Mai say thanks she knew what she meant. She meant thanks for helping her, thanks for hitting Azula. Thanks for being there. Thanks for her help in saving Zuko.

"no," Ty Lee rested her head against the wall, unknowingly next to the back of Mai's, "thank you."

At this Mai sat up, "for what?"

"I never agreed with Azula, I never wanted to go on her hunt. I just never had guts to tell her tell her no. When I told her no at the carnival, she ordered to have my safety net set on fire. I guess, after that it was easiest just to do what she wanted. But I never liked it. I mean most of time I didn't really care, but on some of the missions I hated being mean to innocent people, you know? And then when I saw you stand up to her, I knew this was my chance. My chance to set right all the wrongs we've been doing."

Silence fell between them, neither one having anything to say. It seemed like hours had past. And he was still in her thoughts, plaguing them. She could feel his hand in hers, smell his cologne. She saw his eyes, leaving her over and over again. The cell she could handle. The darkness, the coldness, everything she could handle. But not knowing why he left killed her. The fact she didn't see him leaving, haunted her. She should have known. It was so obvious now. She recalled their conversation after the war meeting.

"In the meeting, I was the perfect son…" She recalled how his eyes were glazed over, talking but still deep in thought. "…but I wasn't me." It was slap in the face. She should have called him on it. She should have took his hand and talked to him, found out what he was planning. But no, she let the moment pass unwilling to mess up what she finally got back after three long years.

She looked around her cell, she didn't want to ruin what she had, but was ruined anyways, and now she sat in grubby cell when she could have been off helping the avatar with him. She didn't care what she did, as long as she was with him.

When she found the letter, she was furious, mad as hell. Mad at him for leaving her, mad at him for leaving his country. She figured there was a reason, but she didn't see why he had to betray his country. Then in the cell he started telling her of all the things the fire nation does. She knew they did some bad things but those were war casualties, after all it was for the good. If only that guard wouldn't have come in, then he could have finished. Then she wouldn't be sitting her trying to figure out why he had to go with the avatar. Was her nation, the fire nation, so bad?

"Do you think we did the right thing?" Ty Lee asked from the other cell, breaking the silence.

"I thought you said you were glad you stood up to Azula." Mai answered back.

"No, I mean do think that we did the right thing by letting them go. I know you love Zuko. But he's a traitor. And we helped him escape, that makes us traitors too."

"I don't know what to think anymore." Mai said back honestly.

"What do you mean, Mai?"

"I mean." She saw his face again, his eyes when he left her. "Zuko…" she took a breath. "he wouldn't throw away everything he work so hard to get, with out a good reason."

"Mai." Ty Lee's voice was soft. "Listen to yourself, your making up excuses for him—"

"No" Mai interrupted harshly. Ty Lee was surprised, she never seen Mai get so worked up, except for on the beach, but that was to prove a point. So Ty Lee waited for Mai to go on.

It was another few seconds before Mai spoke again. "When I went to see him in his cell, I expected him to look how he looked when we were hunting the avatar, lost, confused, I expected him to asked for forgiveness, tell how he was wrong to cross the fire nation, or at least that what I hoped he would do. But when I was in there, I saw he was sorry, but not sorry for leaving. Sorry that he hurt me. I asked why he left, why he brayed his country. He told me that he didn't see him self betraying the fire nation. He started telling me how everyone is afraid of us. How our so called peace war, wasn't giving peace any where. Even more I could tell he believed what he was saying, fully." There was another small moment of silence. "I just wish I could."

"I suppose that makes since. I mean, when we were out, the places we went to weren't very happy, but I always figured those were the towns the fire nation hasn't got to yet. Do you think that the army could be fooling the whole nation? Even the people up near the top, like Azula?"

"Ty. I think Azula always known that this wasn't a peace war."

"So you believe him? Zuko, I mean."

"I don't know. I want to see the facts for my own eyes, but I trust him. I trust him more than I trust Azula. That's why I helped him. I love him." Mai suddenly laughed, "I've never said that before, he's known it, but I never said it."

"aww that's so sweet Mai. You helped him escape on the sole fact that you trust he's doing the right thing, even though you don't fully know. And Even more, you helped him get away, knowing you'd end up here, all because you love him. Aww Mai. That's adorable."

"Not burst your bubble. But I didn't expect to get caught. I wanted to escape with him."

"A minor detail." Ty Lee brushed it off, "thanks for talking Mai, but I'm going to sleep. Good night." There was pause. "I think?"

"Sleep well, Ty."

Mai closed her eyes, and she saw him again. Saw him moving away on the cable car. She felt his breath on her cheek. Saw his eyes, as he left her. How he slumped in the chair when she pulled out the letter. She thought about how she should have hugged him even though she was angry at him. She sat in the darkness thinking about all the times she spent in his arms and how they weren't enough. With her eyes closed she was with him in his room again. But when she opened her eyes, all she saw was the bleak cell. Closing her eyes she pretended she was in his arms, and fell asleep.


End file.
